Not Gay for Pip!
by JoeMerl
Summary: Possibly the first fanfiction ever where Damien is explicitly heterosexual-not that he can get anyone to believe it! Contains a bit of friendship, a bit of romance, and lots and lots of violence and cursing. Demrietta, Damien/Pip friendship.


A lot had changed for Damien in the last five years.

The first, and most obvious, was just the fact that he had gotten older, though unfortunately that didn't seem to have many positive points. He was a little taller but still short, his squeaky voice refused to change no matter how much he wanted it to, and his temper---well, hitting puberty had done little to stifle _that. _After a general lull in his anger issues over the years, his fireballs and transmogrifications came back in full-swing during his first outbreak of acne, and though Mr. Mackey was mostly human now, he _still _hadn't managed to get rid of the duck bill.

A bigger change was in his living situation. For years Damien had been shuffled around, sometimes living with his mom, at other times with his dad either in Hell or without whatever new boyfriend he was shacking up with that week. Finally, after what seemed like years of begging, he managed to convince them to let him live somewhere else, that one place where he wouldn't have to deal with Dad and Saddam and all of those assholes, but that was just close enough to Hell that he could be happy: South Park.

And that had been a good change, overall. Not that the town wasn't horrible, but it was horrible in a nice, homey sort of way. And that led to a change in Damien's social standing. He was not popular, exactly, but he managed to build up status as more than a hated freak. Once he learned to stop drawing attention to himself and worrying too much about bringing on the black millennium or invoking the dread gods of Hell and all that, and just be lazy and stupid like the rest of the mortal children, he managed to have a fairly content life.

So, a lot had changed over the years. But one thing, other than his squeaky voice and occasional temper tantrums, absolutely refused to change one bit, and it was _really_ starting to get on Damien's nerves.

"Wait-wait-wait, hold up, Damien. _You_ have a _girlfriend?!_"

"Yes!" Damien snapped in his sqeaky voice, glaring at the four astonished boys. Behind him, Pip cowered nervously, already aware of where this conversation would inevitably lead. To Damien's right, holding his hand, stood the goth girl Henrietta, rolling her eyes, preparing for a repeat of the same conversation she had had to endure a hundred times or more since she and Damien began going out.

The four other boys gaped. Cartman made a face. "Eh. You can't have a girlfriend, Damien. You're too much of a queermo."

"Shut up!"

"But, no, no," Kyle said, shaking his head; he, at least, was honestly confused, not out to cause trouble like Cartman. "How can you have a girlfriend, Damien? I thought---weren't you and _Pip_ going out?"

"Oh dear," Pip muttered, covering his face. There was no escaping it, he knew where this was headed.

"No, Pip and I were _not going out!_" Damien screamed, eyes closed tightly, his fingernails suddenly digging into Henrietta's skin.

She rolled her eyes. "_Ugh. _Come on, Damien. Let's get out of here. They're just a bunch of conformist assholes anyway."

"No, no," Stan said. "I'm _sure_ you two were going out. Everybody knows you're totally gay for Pip!"

"_I am NOT gay for Pip!_"

"Oh, please, can't we just go somewhere else now?" Pip pleaded, hands folded before him.

"Yeah, Dame. Let's get out of here. I need to get some more smokes anyway."

"No! I'm sick of this stupid rumor! Why does _everybody _keep assuming that Pip and I are _gay for each other?!_" Damien screamed, releasing Henrietta's hands so that he could ball punch the air with balled-up fists.

"Well, dude, your _dad's _a total fag, for one," Kyle said.

"Yeah, and you two do do _everything_ together," Stan said. "I mean, hell, you even _live_ together."

"We live together because we have the same _foster parents!_ And I don't hear people accusing _you_ two of being gay just because _you_ do everything together!" he snapped, pointing at Stan and Kyle accusingly.

"Agh! Me and Stan?!" Kyle said. The two boys shot each other disgusted looks and turned away.

"Yeah. Besides, _I_ have a girlfriend!"

"_So do I!_"

"Heh-heh. Yeah. A totally _fat_ girlfriend," Cartman snickered.

Henrietta's face went from "I'm awake therefore annoyed" mode to "pissed the fuck off" in two seconds flat. Damien snarled. "You're calling her fat? You're twice her size, asshole!"

"Hey! Don't call me fat, you French piece of crap!"

"Pip's the one who's French, you idiot!"

"I'm not French! Why does everyone say that?!"

"Are you _sure_ you're not gay for Pip?"

"_No I'm not gay for Pip!_"

"Yes you _are._ Seriously."

"Mmriousmy," Kenny agreed.

"Oh dear," Pip moaned.

"Shut up, you fat load of crap! If I was gay for Pip, would I do _this?!_"

He jabbed his finger at Pip angrily, snapping his finger. Instantly the little limey's blond hair burst into flames.

"Agh! No!" Pip fell to the ground and began to roll around wildly, while Henrietta's face resumed "generally annoyed" as she watched him out of the corner of her eyes.

"Oh, that doesn't prove _anything!_"

"Oh, please stop this! It rather hurts a lot!"

"Well, then, what about this!"

Just as Pip managed to put out the flames, Damien's finger jabbed at him again, and he suddenly found himself floating in the air. "Oh, dear," he muttered again, closing his eyes.

"HI-YA!"

Damien waved his hand through the air---Pip went flying and, as Damien snapped his fingers, was suddenly blasted by a huge explosion, which sent his charred body falling back to the earth.

"_Pffft._ Oh, please. I've seen my mom's boyfriends in worse condition than that after one of her dates!"

"That's only because your mom is an S&M whore, fatass."

"Shut your fuckin' Jew-mouth!"

"Could somebody please take me to the hospital? I'm in rather a lot of pain."

"Shut up, Pip," Damien snapped. "Alright, fatass. If I were gay for Pip, would I do _this?_"

He waved his hands over the snowy ground; instantly the earth cracked open, spewing flames and ghostly demonic shadows into the air. The bowels of Hell flew out like a tendril and wrapped around Pip, who moaned as he was tossed back into the air; a moment later he was screaming and writhing as flames, demons and numerous explosions formed a whirlwind through the sky, tossing him to and fro as Damien stood on the directing the action with his hands like a conductor to an orchestra, a determined and oddly satisfied look on his face.

Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny fell to the ground, laughing. Henrietta rolled her eyes. "Why are you doing that?"

"What?" Damien turned his head, hands still moving through the air to direct Pip's torment.

"Why are you beating up on Pip? Aren't _they_ the ones who are pissing you off so much?" Henrietta asked, jabbing the butt of her last cigarette at the four boys before tossing it over her shoulder into the snow.

Damien's hands froze as he gaped at her; Pip froze in midair and, as Damien dropped his pose, fell screaming into the snow as the fires and demons dissipated, the portal to Hell closing by their feet. Damien had suddenly turned to the other four boys with a look of shocked realization spreading across his face.

They had stopped laughing now. They stood on their feet, backing slowly away. "Uh-oh..." Kyle muttered, holding up his gloved hands.

A slow smile spread over Damien's face. It was that horrible smile that the boys had seen only a few times before, his "yes I'm the fucking Antichrist and I'll fucking do whatever the Hell I fucking fuck fuck _want_" smile of pure, undiluted evil pleasure. He rubbed his hands together as they began to crackle with electricity.

"Guys? _Run,_" Stan said.

And they did.

_ZAAAP!_

"_Agh!_ They killed Kenny!"

"You bastard!"

"Oh no you don't! Get back here!" Damien screamed, as he ran after them, shooting bolts of lightning ahead of him to destroy all in his path and leaving a ticked-off goth girl and a moaning little limey in his wake.

Within a few days he managed to purge that horrible rumor from the school. And that was one of the best changes of all.

* * *

A note: This was not really meant as a flame to Dip/Pamien writers (...exactly), but just kind of sprang up in my mind when I saw that _every single story _listing Damien as a main character is Damien/Pip slash. I mean, seriously, has anyone _ever _seen him paired with anyone else? So, I decided to write a story about about how, his heterosexuality being assumed, he would react to such an idea. (My other _South Park_ fic, "A Bunch of Teenaged Emo Faggots in Love," is bascially the same thing.) Hope you enjoyed, and please leave a review, flame, critique, whatever.


End file.
